JAMES CRUISE Ministries Blog

God chooses what we go through. We choose how we go through it.

Archive for the category “Humor”

Food For Thought


The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.

No More Worries…

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son’s driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that says, “How’s my driving?” and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I’ve been making $38 a week.

Homework

 When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse, writing something. “What on earth are you doing there?” he asked.

“Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favorite animal. That’s why I’m here and that’s why Susie’s sitting in the goldfish bowl!”

The Pearly Gates

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point? Golly. How about this; I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points, ” he says.

“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

Kid$ kNOw

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Child – Wants a Drink of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father…

[Five minutes later]

“Da-ad…”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later]

“Da-aaaad…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later]

“Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…”

“WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

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